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So two years ago today exactly, my aunt (that I was living with) died from liver cancer. It was fairly quick, I guess, it the scheme of things (I think we found out it late May or early June of 2022 til January 27, 2023 - by the time we found out she was already terminal, stage 4 or 5, they only briefly tried chemo but it made it worse I think, her liver stopped functioning in December)... I don't know it was both a blur and seemed unexpected even at the end. I think I kept expecting her to get better maybe? I don't know. It was both not a surprise but also was? It's hard to explain. I did not take hearing it very well at all. Luckily work let me take a couple weeks off because I barely functioned. I think I only ate because I had to, I don't remember feeling hungry or anything. I know the TV was on and I think the cats were mostly on me on the couch. Tired but couldn't sleep. Honestly still feel like it even after all this time. It's weird how grief still feels as strong as if it just happened. But I mean she was part of my life, and for the last 8 or so years of hers we were living together so she was basically like a second mother to me - I mean we had moments where each of us got each other's nerves I'm sure, but she was the only family member that I told that I was bi and didn't care - supported me a hell a lot more than the reaction I got from my sister and her husband and my other aunt who I eventually told last year (I probably shouldn't have told her, but the weight of keeping quiet kept scratching at me). So my aunt got me, and I wish I could have spent more time with her the last year, but between working at the house, working two jobs, driving back and forth places, and her sleeping most of the day/night, I didn't spend as much time as I would have liked. Anyway the random crying fests were especially difficult this past year. And right now all I want to do is cry but I'm afraid to, because a box crashed into my nose last Monday at work, so today when I felt the urge to cry, I can feel my nose swelling and makes the pain more pronounced and it not comfortable.
I sent texts to my dad and my uncle (her brothers), to send them love & hugs, I guess my version of thoughts & prayers. I think my dad knew why I did, but I didn't actually specify why I sent them. My uncle didn't reply so either he didn't notice or looked at his phone. I don't know why, I guess cause I want a hug and at least that way someone is getting a thought hug? I don't know. I doubt it'll help any. I did want to go to her grave today, and I did actually get out of work early to probably do it (I don't know the grave hours), but I kinda chickened out because I was afraid I might start balling again and it's already hard enough to breath due to the swelling/soreness/constant drippy nose situation. I do have a doctors appointment for it on Thursday and I'll probably take the day off since its at 11 in Philly. I hate going to the doctor (this one in particuliar), but at least this way I can get my mom to come with me and they have my records. I tried calling the place closer to my house but they weren't answering. The parking at that place is horrible but the NPs were really nice from what I could remember from like a year or two ago? I can't remember if I went last year or the year before that... Can you tell how much I hate going to doctors?
Anyway besides the above major news, I did buy a house in March 2022 (I still can't believe 2 years). I paid way too much for it and it's basically nowheres NJ but it was basically 25 minutes away from my full-time job (about 45 minutes from the CVS I work at, but when I'm coming from work it's only about 15-25ish minutes so it's only bad going home). I have a big yard that I have no idea what to do with, I offered it to my best friend and her husband (!someone got married) if they wanted to do more farming stuff but he's brushed off the idea and they haven't actually saw my house yet so I guess whatever. And I technically offered it to my co-worker who loves buying plants and works in his garden. I'd probably have to pay them to use my yard but most of my yard lays empty. I want to eventually have a patio and I did buy above ground garden beds (some on ground, others the higher ones). I just have to get motivated to open up their boxes and use them.
Eventually I'll get to the yard? Having a house is expensive, and I didn't buy new so you can probably guess the issues. The house buying situation was fairly horrible and I don't want to hash it out here right now but at least I basically have my own place now. I do like it for the most part. My brother is living with and most days that's enough to know I'm not alone (and he pays the internet & electricity bills plus usually cooks which helps me not starve). He's really helpful with the house repairs stuff. I apparently cannot even handle an automatic screwdriver thingy. :( Most of the rooms are "done" but I have two rooms definitely wouldn't consider done. One is called the "Cat Room", mainly for Willow who Gabby hates for whatever reasons and tends to bully. So basically the room right now acts as litter room/safe spaces for her to hide or we can close the door. Also holds some storage stuff. Basically needs a paint job, new carpet and 3 new windows. Actually 3 of many windows that need new ones (I think the house has 17 all together not including basement and attic, 12-13 of them I will need to eventually get new ones - still paying off the last three I bought at home depot for 0% interest wooo before buying another). The other room not done is being used as mostly storage. It needs a paint job and new carpet/flooring to be "finished" besides the windows of course. And organized. Of course. I'll probably eventually use that as an office, right now I'm in what is called the "Dining Room/Library" where basically a table and nearly all my books rest. The rest of my "library" goes into my living room. Technically other parts of the house aren't done as well, I do need to refix my paint job in my closet after the leaky roof and the hallway upstairs need to have its floor finished being put down. right now there's a carpet over the unfinished part but its a little wonky.
Anyway I'm done for now, talking about me. I think I'm just going to work on fixing my site Capes & Crusaders back up. I want to open it up for joining on February 1st so, I've mostly been doing that if I'm not working/sleeping. It's going much easier now that I got the filezilla to work. Geez I've been away too long from webmastering, I think I really missed it. Between that site and other online TCGs I'm going to try to spend more time on DW hopefully. It seems to focus my brain a little better than just watching shows after work did the last 2 years. Or it's a better distraction.... I do have to work on having like 20+ tabs open though....
I sent texts to my dad and my uncle (her brothers), to send them love & hugs, I guess my version of thoughts & prayers. I think my dad knew why I did, but I didn't actually specify why I sent them. My uncle didn't reply so either he didn't notice or looked at his phone. I don't know why, I guess cause I want a hug and at least that way someone is getting a thought hug? I don't know. I doubt it'll help any. I did want to go to her grave today, and I did actually get out of work early to probably do it (I don't know the grave hours), but I kinda chickened out because I was afraid I might start balling again and it's already hard enough to breath due to the swelling/soreness/constant drippy nose situation. I do have a doctors appointment for it on Thursday and I'll probably take the day off since its at 11 in Philly. I hate going to the doctor (this one in particuliar), but at least this way I can get my mom to come with me and they have my records. I tried calling the place closer to my house but they weren't answering. The parking at that place is horrible but the NPs were really nice from what I could remember from like a year or two ago? I can't remember if I went last year or the year before that... Can you tell how much I hate going to doctors?
Anyway besides the above major news, I did buy a house in March 2022 (I still can't believe 2 years). I paid way too much for it and it's basically nowheres NJ but it was basically 25 minutes away from my full-time job (about 45 minutes from the CVS I work at, but when I'm coming from work it's only about 15-25ish minutes so it's only bad going home). I have a big yard that I have no idea what to do with, I offered it to my best friend and her husband (!someone got married) if they wanted to do more farming stuff but he's brushed off the idea and they haven't actually saw my house yet so I guess whatever. And I technically offered it to my co-worker who loves buying plants and works in his garden. I'd probably have to pay them to use my yard but most of my yard lays empty. I want to eventually have a patio and I did buy above ground garden beds (some on ground, others the higher ones). I just have to get motivated to open up their boxes and use them.
Eventually I'll get to the yard? Having a house is expensive, and I didn't buy new so you can probably guess the issues. The house buying situation was fairly horrible and I don't want to hash it out here right now but at least I basically have my own place now. I do like it for the most part. My brother is living with and most days that's enough to know I'm not alone (and he pays the internet & electricity bills plus usually cooks which helps me not starve). He's really helpful with the house repairs stuff. I apparently cannot even handle an automatic screwdriver thingy. :( Most of the rooms are "done" but I have two rooms definitely wouldn't consider done. One is called the "Cat Room", mainly for Willow who Gabby hates for whatever reasons and tends to bully. So basically the room right now acts as litter room/safe spaces for her to hide or we can close the door. Also holds some storage stuff. Basically needs a paint job, new carpet and 3 new windows. Actually 3 of many windows that need new ones (I think the house has 17 all together not including basement and attic, 12-13 of them I will need to eventually get new ones - still paying off the last three I bought at home depot for 0% interest wooo before buying another). The other room not done is being used as mostly storage. It needs a paint job and new carpet/flooring to be "finished" besides the windows of course. And organized. Of course. I'll probably eventually use that as an office, right now I'm in what is called the "Dining Room/Library" where basically a table and nearly all my books rest. The rest of my "library" goes into my living room. Technically other parts of the house aren't done as well, I do need to refix my paint job in my closet after the leaky roof and the hallway upstairs need to have its floor finished being put down. right now there's a carpet over the unfinished part but its a little wonky.
Anyway I'm done for now, talking about me. I think I'm just going to work on fixing my site Capes & Crusaders back up. I want to open it up for joining on February 1st so, I've mostly been doing that if I'm not working/sleeping. It's going much easier now that I got the filezilla to work. Geez I've been away too long from webmastering, I think I really missed it. Between that site and other online TCGs I'm going to try to spend more time on DW hopefully. It seems to focus my brain a little better than just watching shows after work did the last 2 years. Or it's a better distraction.... I do have to work on having like 20+ tabs open though....
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